My private thoughts
by WolfKomoki
Summary: Barry keeps a journal. These are his thoughts. Trigger warning: Suicidal Thoughts
1. Nightmares

**The Flash is owned by The CW.**

I've had nightmares for as long as I could remember. There wasn't one day where I wasn't waking myself up in the middle of the night, screaming the terrors in my head that haunt me in my sleep. At first it was the image of my mother, then it was Patty, then it was all the people I had failed to save, then it was Iris. You never really get used to nightmares, but when you have them as frequently as I do, you expect it.

You wait for the images that haunt your mind, reminding you of what you're worried about again, and again, and again.

Did you know that the longest record that a human had been awake for is eleven days?

I wonder what that record would have been if the guy had been a speedster?

Sometimes I wish I were still trapped in the speed force, at least there I didn't have anything to worry about.


	2. Speedforce

Hello does anyone hear me

I'm falling into myself

Losing grip on reality

I drift alone

Drifting

I am drifting

Can anyone hear me?

I am alone

Your voice in my head

Pretending

Acting

Lying

I began to run

Aimlessly

For eternity

"Come back"

You plead

I walk away

Aimlessly wandering

For eternity

You offer your hand

Calling to me

Begging me

To return

I walk away

Running after shadows

Wandering an empty realm

For eternity

I catch the shadow

After running for eternity

"Come back"

You plead

Finally

I return

Leaving Eternity

Behind


	3. The thing about time travel

The thing about time travel is, you always think that your reasons for it are admirable. I'm saving a life, it's a good reason you tell yourself, but are those reasons really admirable?

The thing about time travel is, time is able to be manipulated.

You know you shouldn't deviate from the timeline, but you were saving a life here, surely that was an okay reason for time travel?

The thing about time travel is, the least little deviation can lead to a cataclysm, taking you, and the entire world with it.

The thing about time travel is, you find yourself living in this new timeline, and you start to wonder if you should go back.

You spend months being happy, because you deserve to be happy, damn it!

The thing about time travel is, new timelines can fry a brain.

The thing about time travel is, you think your intentions are good, but you quickly find out that time wants to happen, and that all of this was for nothing.

Looking at your happy place for the last time, you longingly gaze at the timeline, because you know that you can't stay in this timeline any longer.

You try to fix the timeline, but you only end up breaking it again, and you're frustrated.

You start wishing that you were dead, because it was your fault in the first place that the timeline was broken.

You try to reach out to the person that used to be your friend, but they told you that this was your fault, and they push you away.

So, you give them space, and you stop letting people in.

You do this to avoid making the same mistake twice, and they don't even seem to notice that you're hurting too.

You end up getting hurt, and that makes you want to cry out for the person that used to be your friend, but then you remember that the person had hurt you, so you stay there writhing in agony, calling out to no one.

Eventually, you pass out from the pain, and you're waking up in the place that was once home to you, and immediately you feel hollow.

Your body aches again, and you intentionally start putting yourself in danger. Maybe this time, it'll actually kill you, and all of this can just go away.


	4. Maybe I should give in

It's a tempting thought, the thought of dying.

What good was my life, versus the lives of so many people?

Everything I touch, I break. Everything I touch, dies, and for once, I can be next. I can die.

Cisco, if you're reading this then _I'm sorry_. I'm sorry that I _break_ everything that I touch. I'm sorry that I can't do _anything right._ I'm sorry that I got Dante killed, but most of all, I'm sorry that I gave up.

Do me a favor? Please don't try to stop me. Please just forget about me. Please don't try to save me.

I don't want to live anymore, and this way, you can have your vengeance.


	5. Drowning

You know they say that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to go? You just… go to sleep. Sleeping is fine and all, it's the waking up that's the problem. I remember running face first into the first body of water that I could find. Turns out they were right when they said that drowning was peaceful. I didn't even try to save myself, but I knew that I wouldn't get my wish, not while Kid Flash was around.


	6. Experiment

Have you ever stopped to think about time travel? More specifically, about what would happen if you killed yourself in the past?

One theory suggests that time is linear, and as such killing yourself in the past would wipe you out of existence.

Another theory suggests that time is malleable, meaning that it would only kill your past self. It wouldn't hurt you.

Spoilers: Time is malleable.


	7. Rat Poison

Did you know that I had once saved Oliver's life with Rat Poison? I know, it sounds crazy, right? How ironic was it that I was alone in the Arrow Cave with lots of Rat Poison at my disposal?

I don't even remember the amount of poison I injected.

What I do remember is how awful charcoal tastes.


	8. Gunshot

I barely remember getting shot, you know? I just wanted to do something that I knew would get me killed, and so I jumped in front of a bullet that was meant for Captain Singh. To my annoyance, Star Labs didn't even think twice about saving me.


	9. Grief

You know they say that there are five stages of grief? Stage one is denial and isolation. By pushing me away, Cisco is in stage one. Stage two is anger.

By blaming me for Dante's death, Cisco is in stage two. Stage three is bargaining. I am here. If I hadn't gone back in time, then Dante would be alive.

Stage four is depression. Cisco and I are both here. Stage five is acceptance. I'll never be here. I can't be here, ever. It's my fault after all.

Rationally, I know I shouldn't blame myself. Emotionally, I do. Survivor's guilt they call it. Whoever said that time heals all wounds, was full of shit.


	10. Alcohol

You know, I used to hate being drunk. I hated the way that it made me feel. Now that I can't get drunk? I miss it. I haven't tried getting high, though. Problem is, I don't know where I could get Velocity drugs, and even if I did, Caitlin would know that I was on it immediately. I could go to the alien bar on Earth-38 though. Surely if they managed to get Kara drunk, then they could get me drunk.


	11. Electrocution

Contrary to popular movie belief, you can't defibrillate a flatlined patient. That's simply nonsense. Still, I wonder what would happen if I was electrocuted. Would it kill me? Well, there's only one way to find out.


	12. Running

Running at superspeed is pure adrenaline and euphoria. I never want to come down when I'm running, and I never want to stop. The problem is, even I get tired after a while. I can't run forever. If I could, believe me, I would, until it kills me.


	13. Snart

I just found out that Snart is dead. Hey Snart, you were supposed to take me with you, not sacrifice yourself alone. Now here I am, wanting to take your place, and I can't, and it hurts. Hey Cisco, why didn't you let me sacrifice myself? It would save both you, and me a lot of heartache.

Didn't you want vengeance at some point? If you had let me sacrifice myself, then you would have gotten that. I don't care about me, why do you care about me? It's my fault, remember?


	14. Cold as ice

Did you know that parallel Earths exist? Yeah, neither did I. Well they do, and I've been to one. When I found out that both of my parents were alive, I considered staying on Earth-2, until I realized that I exist on Earth-2. So, even if I wanted to stay there, they wouldn't accept me.

Still, the thought of living on another Earth is tempting.

Oh by the way, did you know that Atlantis is on land on Earth-2? How awesome is that! Oh, and apparently, Earth-2 Barry is married to Iris. Is it wrong if I'm turned on by Iris's doppelganger? Because I am.

Speaking of doppelgangers, Caitlin's doppelganger calls herself Killer Frost, and she has Cryokinesis. I remember when I was a kid, I had always said that if I could choose to have a superpower, Cryokinesis was one of my top choices.


	15. The Cliff

When Cisco brought me to this cliff, I was happy. Cisco was right when he had said that plummeting to my death was the motivation that I need. When I jumped, I intentionally screwed up, hoping that I would be dead when I hit the ground. I should have known that Cisco would bring those drones along, and save me.


	16. Aliens

I met an alien on a parallel Earth. Yes, you read that right, and yes, I mean an alien from outer space. She works with a Team similar to Team Flash known as "The DEO, or The Department of Extra-Normal Operations." Also, I can tell that both Kara and Winn are crushing on me.

Also, luckily for me, I don't exist on this Earth.

It doesn't really hurt my feelings, that I'm stuck here. This Earth is nice after all. You know the strange part? On this Earth I spent a day here, but on my Earth? It was two seconds. Yes, I had considered moving to this Earth, but I had to stop Zoom first. I'm still considering moving here in the future, though.


	17. Locked Up

I hate all of you, so damn much. My father had just been murdered in front of me, and you're shocked that I wanted revenge? Really? How would you feel if someone you loved was murdered in front of you? Chances are, you'd want vengeance.

I was grieving, and what do you do? You lock me in a damn cell, instead of comforting me in my grief! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I hate all of you. Go to hell.


	18. Fatigar

Estaba fatigado. Tengo miedo. Temor es absoluto, y estoy asustado. Zoom es un monstruo.

¡Ayúdame! ¡Ayúdame! ¡Ayúdame!

 **Translation:**

 **I'm tired. I'm scared. Fear is absolute, and I'm scared. Zoom is a monster.**  
 **Help me! Help me! Help me!**


	19. Brother

Did you know that Iris has a brother, and that Iris's mother is alive? I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. Apparently, Joe lied to Iris and paid Francine, that's her name by the way, to stay away from Iris because she was a drug addict. Only now she has something called MacGregor's Syndrome which is apparently common among ex addicts. Anyway, she was pregnant when she left and well hello Wally West. I can't wait to meet him, I've always wanted to meet another West.


	20. April 25th, 2024

If you're reading this then, I'm dead. On April 25th, 2024 I vanished, or so people thought. In reality, I died that day. If you're reading this, then my experiment worked. I managed to go back in time long enough to write this entry. I wish there was more I could say but…


	21. Mommy

Mommy is dead. That's whut they say, when people go away. Mommy is dead, and she's never coming back. it wasn't my daddy! it was the man in yellow! Daddy is in prison now. That's where they send bad people to. it wasn't daddy! it wasn't! i was there!

There was a man! A man in yellow! i saw him! Why isn't that man in prison! Daddy didn't do it! No! they're making me live with Iris and Joe now. Mommy is dead, and Daddy is in that bad place because of Joe.

i don't understand big words. What does delusions mean?

please i just want my daddy!

i hate Joe! i hate him! Why can't I see daddy? Joe is not my daddy!

will i go to prison for these delusions? is that where they lock up scared kids like me? am i going to be locked up like daddy?


	22. Caitlin

I remember when I first woke up from my coma. The first thing I heard was Lady Gaga's poker face. Imagine my confusion when I woke up to a bunch of strangers hovering over me, and a woman telling me to pee in a cup. When they told me that I spent nine months of my life in a coma, the first thing I felt was sadness. This was nine months of my life that I missed out on. When they told me that I was struck by lightning, well, I didn't know how to feel about that. When I found out that I had super speed, well, I was both scared, and excited.

When I first met Caitlin, the first thing I noticed was the sadness in her eyes. Here was this beautiful woman with the saddest eyes, I had ever seen. All I wanted was to make her smile again. When she told me about Ronnie, a part of me wished that I had been granted time travel instead. Maybe if I had been granted time travel, then I could go back in time and save him.


	23. Flashpoint

I've been having memories of this other life. A life where my mom was murdered by a man in yellow, and I was taken in by Detective West.

Apparently, there I was a hero named The Flash, instead of the Flash we have now. Also, Ramon Industries was Star Labs, and Cisco Ramon never became rich. Wally West came to live with Detective West and his daughter after Wally's mother died. Joe West wasn't an alcoholic either.

My father was killed by a speedster named Zoom, and I was locked up in a glass cage. I thought that the people I was having memories of were my friend, but they can't be my friends if they locked me in a cage, can they? It's strange, isn't it? Having memories of another life? At first I thought these were dreams I confused as reality, but it seemed to be happening more and more. So, then I decided to look through my journal, and I found entries that I had written from that other life. As I read them, my memories from that other life slowly started to come back.


	24. Arrow to the back

I used to be a superhero like you, then I took an arrow to the back. No, but really, I got shot in the back by an arrow. Oliver was supposed to be training me, but apparently his idea of "training" was shooting me in the back with an arrow. I still feel that every time it rains, thanks Oliver.


	25. I'm not a monster

Hi, my name is Savitar. I know, you see me as a monster, trust me, I've heard it before. I wasn't originally called Savitar. I was Barry Allen, until my future self goes back in time to stop Zoom. I died, and it would have stayed that way, had Barry not created Flashpoint. In 2020, Barry Allen creates time remnants to help stop me from killing Iris.

I killed all of them, but one: me. Not only had I died, but now Team Flash had shunned me because I wasn't the "true" Barry Allen. I was an aberration, a mistake, an abomination, blah blah blah. It was then that I realized the truth: God feels no pain, all I had to do was become one, and so I found the Philosopher's Stone. Of course, with anyone wanting to become a God, he needs followers, and so I went back in time and spread my message across time, and the multiverse.

I created Alchemy to be my right-hand man, and of course Julian betrayed me. I turned Wallace into a speedster to be my right-hand man, and of course the kid betrayed me. When Caitlin Snow became Killer Frost, well, I seized the opportunity. Finally, I had a right-hand man by my side. I didn't want to kill Iris West, but I had no choice. For my ascension to happen, Barry had to be driven so far into the dark that he becomes me, and he must create time remnants to stop me. I considered killing him at some point, but I couldn't risk it, so I decided to kill the precious Iris West instead.


	26. Particle Accelerator

I'm so excited! What am I so excited about, you ask, only the greatest achievement in science of course! The Particle Accelerator will activate tonight. Did I mention that I was excited? Harrison Wells' work in quantum theory is light-years ahead of anything they're doing at Cern.

I just hope that I make it in time to see it, I'd hate to miss it.


	27. Hypothermia

You know I've been involved in two instances of hypothermia so far? Once when I was frozen by Killer Frost, the other when I had to fake my death to escape from Grodd. You know what I was thinking in both instances? This is peaceful. In both instances I almost let myself die, but I didn't. I'd considered it though.


	28. Reverse Flashed Myself

This is it. This is the day that I finally achieve what I've wanted to do since day one. Today is the day that finally, finally I can die. I've tried several attempts to die already, and yet none of them worked. Well, I know one way to end this. All I would have to do is vibrate my hand through my chest, and crush my own heart. I do hate that you found me this way but…


End file.
